Job Gags

Throughout my working life I have come up with and come across some useful one-liners.

 I hope you find these of use and get as much enjoyment as I have done over the years.

 (With regards to who came up with the originals I can’t tell you however feel free to research)

 Many Thanks and enjoy. Paul Roberts’ -

So what do you do for a living????????

A. Accountant……So you’re great with figures….. Advertiser…..Is it true Advertisers do it within thirty seconds……… Airport…..If they were looking for volunteers to help with full cavity searches I'd be the first to put my hand up. Army......Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms! Do you ever notice how people wearing camouflage gear stick out…………………. I could never be a sniper! Not by a long shot! Artist…… Is it true Artists do it with longer strokes……… Author..........I actually wrote a book when I was 4 years old. Don’t know what it was about as I couldn’t read at the time.

B. Bank…….Hate being strapped 4 cash - But you got to make a living somehow…. I was in a bank last week when a masked man ran in and shouted. "Give me all your money or you'll be GEOGRAPHY!" The cashier laughed and said, "You mean to say 'HISTORY.'" The burglar answered, "Don't change the subject." Biologist…..So most of your works in genes…. Why is lemonade made with artificial flavouring, while dishwasher soap is made with real lemons? Bricklayer......... That always puzzles me. If bricklayers can lay bricks, does that mean plumbers can lay plumbs. Butcher.............That’s great now have a seat, come on. Chop Chop Give him a rind of applause. I went into my local Butchers; he hung two pieces of meat from the ceiling and said I bet you ten pounds you can’t reach them. I said no the steaks are too high Bailiff.........We forgot to pay our exorcist once and got repossessed. Bartender….. So do you like to do it on the rocks…. Brain surgeon......I wanted to be a brain surgeon but wasn’t tall enough, so I became a gynaecologist. Boiler repairman…….My Boiler broke down and we had to get a man out. How he got in there I'll never know. Bin man.......My dad was a bin man, I didn’t like him coming to collect me from school though, not that I was embarrassed about his job, I just didn’t know what day he was going to turn up. B&Q........I went into B&Q the other day and saw a sign that said stainless steel sinks???? Bee Keeper……. I got rid of a wasps nest once. Got at buzz outta that……… Boxer…. I tried shadow boxing once and got beat up by Hank Marvin…. B.T. …I never had a problem with phone sex, until one day I came home and discovered the answering machine was pregnant……………….. Bus Driver.........You’re a bus driver…………

C. Cabinet Maker........Do you work for the Government. I went to bed last night and some books fell on my head...I've only got my shelf to blame. Camera Man....... Sit down then and we will see what develops. Car Salesman…………….Why does bunting make you want to buy a second hand car?? Carpet fitter...........it must be horrible being a carpet… you only get laid once in your life. Charity Shop….I bought a coat from a charity shop. Only thing wrong with it was one sleeve was slightly longer than the other two. Chef.............Thought being a chef would add a little spice to my life but I just didn’t have the thyme… or the parsley. Chemist............I went to a Chemist last week and asked for some deodorant. The lady behind the counter said ball or aerosol. I said neither it’s for my armpits. Chimney Sweep........I used to be a chimney sweep, but always got the flue Cinema.........I went to the cinema last week to watch a 3d film. Guy in front of me kept getting in the way so after 1/2 an hour I asked him to move. "What are you on about" he said, "I’m in the movie" Cleaner….I had to sack my cleaner yesterday - I’m glad that’s done and dusted. Coal Miner............Man that’s the pits………………Computer Programmer..........so can you tell if we are compatible Conductor…….. My grandad was a great Conductor. Got struck by lightning 7 times…… Cosmetic Surgeon..............I always think that when it comes to cosmetic surgery, people always turn their noses up. Crematorium……Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? Customs Officer..........I got done at customs once. They said I had taken drugs as I landed a half hour before my plane.

D. Dancer…I always wanted to be a belly dancer but didn’t have the stomach for it…till now… Dating Agent…… My father used to run a Chicken dating agency but had to give it up as he couldn’t make Hens meet….. Dentist............I won dentist of the year 1984. Didn’t get a trophy just a little plaque As one dentist said to the other, let’s recap. Department store..............I heard they are giving away dead batteries there............free of charge. DJ………… I have 70s fever…….. It flares up now and again. Doctor….Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"? Double Glazing...... Must be a pain....anyway have a sit down and take some time to reflect!  Dress designer…..So you have your work cut out. Driving instructor.........so are you a duel control freak. Dry cleaner….Do you ever get depressed.

E. Electrician..............Wire you Insulate. I know, that was Shocking……………… Engineer........ Good for you. You make a living tightening nuts. Estate agent… I sold my house for £250.000 last week which was nice. I was only renting at the time.

F. Factory worker..................I always love the clothes you wear.............Overall. Farmer............ My daughter is a Farmer. Yes she’s outstanding in her field. After three, everyone one make a noise like a cow…Alright don’t milk it, My mate likes having nookie with goats. Only kidding. Fairground...........I went to a fairground last week, I said coconut shy, the guy said put it this way, they don’t get out much. Fireman...........Forgot to turn on the fire alarm last night and you will never guess what................someone stole my fire. As firemen get older do they just become more extinguished?  As a pyromaniac, do you think Match.com is misleading? Fishmonger........Do you have your own Plaice……..Have a goldfish called Bob. At least that’s what the other fish call him. Fitness Instructor………If you mix Weetabix with an Aero do you get Aerobix? Florist..............Ah I see you have a bright Fuchsia ahead of you. I think saw Michael J Fox in our flower shop yesterday.. It was hard to tell though as he had his back to the Fuchsia……… Furniture salesman…Me and my recliner - we go WAY back.

G. Gardener..........I always fancied being a gardener. Driving around in a van with a Hoe in the back...... Greengrocer....... Do greengrocers always go to the toilet in pears? Gasman........ Have you ever worked at Buckingham Palace……No... Are you not Corgi Registered?? Did you hear about the parachutist whose chute failed to open and as he plummeted down to earth he saw a guy flying up towards him. As they both met in mid-air one said to the other "do you know anything about parachutes mate? No said the other one, do you know anything about gas cookers?" Just found a great way to cut my gas and electricity bills in half........................... Scissors. Golfing Instructor… Do you always carry two pairs of trousers around with you in case you get a hole in one? Ground worker ……. Do you have concrete evidence of that?? Gym…………I've got this Nike sports shoe that is following me everywhere, nagging me all the while to do sit ups and star jumps. It's my personal trainer. I got some new running shoes for the Gym… Trouble is I can’t catch them

H. Hairdresser........Many years ago I passed out in my local hairdressers.............. Think my hair was spiked. I had to sack my hairdresser as she was talking behind my back…. Hotel…..Being on stage must be a wake-up call for you then….

I. Ice Cream Man… Did you go to Sundae school. I could think of hundreds and thousands of ideas why that’s a cool job. Interpreter…… Speak for yourself. I.T. Wow I could talk to you for… minutes! Change all your passwords to "incorrect". So when you forget, it will tell you "Your password is incorrect." 

J. Job Centre… Went into the job centre and asked if they had any jobs for removal men? They said “Take a seat” Judge…. At the dentist do they pull your tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth….. Jewellers..........If I leave you my number later, will you give me a ring?.....£5000 for an old watch, what is this some sort of wind-up? If you made a belt out of old watch straps, would that be a waist of time?

L. Laundrette…. Had a row with my wife at a Laundrette but we eventually ironed things out… Lawyer....... I once gave some Viagra to my lawyer but it just made him taller. Librarian...........I went into a library and asked for a book on Pantomimes. The Librarian said: "It's behind you". Lifeguard…… If you cross a lifeguard with a computer, do you get a screen saver? Lollipop man/woman….. You people make me cross. Lumberjack......I used to be a Lumberjack but in the end I just couldn’t hack it.

M. Market trader...........Do you know the difference between a market trader and a dog with no back legs...One balls out his wears and the other wears out his..... Martial Arts Instructor……That’s great now take a seat, come on hurry up. Chop Chop Mechanic............my mechanic said I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. Milkman ............."Well it's better than walking the streets." Always wanted to be a Milkman, but never had the bottle. Mountaineering shop……..I forget the names of mountains - Think I’ve got Alp-sheimers. Musician………… I used to be in a band called “Prevention” ... We were better than the cure! Music store………. I Walked into HMV. Assistant said, “Good morning”. I said “You too”? - He said, “Second aisle on the left”?

N. Navy.........I was accused of sabotaging submarines but I managed to get them to drop all charges. Newsagent...........I was once attacked by a tobacconist - I've got the  cigars to prove it. Nuclear plant.......I went to a fancy dress party once dressed up as a nuclear core and someone else turned up in exactly the same outfit. I just didn’t know how to react..... Nurse…..People call me a hypochondriac which really hurts.

O. Optician..........I used to go out with a cross eyed girl then I found out she was seeing someone else........... I went to Specsavers - Chatted up the receptionist – He said I do need glasses. Origami……..Used to own an Origami business, but it folded. I tried origami after watching it on Paper View….

P. Painter and Decorator......... Wow, nice of you to turn up. PC World…. You have to be so careful what u say in there nowadays. P.E. Instructor.......When I found out my trampoline lesson had been moved indoors I hit the roof. Pet Shop…..When I sold my parrot it was like a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders. Petrol Station….. Do women shake the petrol pump after filling up or is that a man thing? Photographer…. Me too, snap.  What does cheese say when you take a picture of it? Sit down and let’s see what develops. Pilot….Why don’t flights ever leave from gate 1……. Prison Officer… I got fired from doing that after organising a lock in. Pizza place...............I rang a Pizza place the other day and ordered a Thin Crusty Supreme, 30 minutes later Diana Ross turned up on the doorstep. Plumber...........how’s your ball cock. Tell me do Sleeping plumbers have pipe dreams. Policeman...........Do you know the difference between a bad police marksman and a constipated Owl?? One shoots and can hit and the other one hoots…. Politician …To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles. Postman........A letter arrived on our doorstep this morning and it said please do not bend. I thought how am I supposed to pick it up.

R. Radio......My friend was a radio announcer; every time he walked under a bridge you couldn’t hear him. Removal Man….. Take a seat!!

S.  Sailor..........Whatever floats your boat. Samaritans… Me too, I tried to call in sick this morning but they talked me out of it. Secretary.........Do you take down everything the boss tells you. Scientist / Astronomer watching a documentary on black holes on Discovery Science channel didn't want to but I got sucked in. If they cloned Cher, would she then be known as Cher and Cher alike? Ok What’s the speed of dark?................ Sewing machinist.........my wife did that for a while then someone stitched her up. Sheet Metalworker…. For real or did you just fabricate that? Shoe factory........ I tried but I just didn’t fit in, then went on to be a soul singer. Social worker.................Do you know why they bury social workers 300 feet in the ground………Because deep down they are nice people………. Solarium……..Got bronze in the National Tanning Championships. Sperm bank……..Oh thanks for coming…………… Stage technician….When it comes to smoke machines, I haven’t the foggiest…….. Stationers...................No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. Supermarket...........went to the supermarket the other day and saw this man and woman wrapped up in a bar code. I said are you 2 an item. Surgeon........I once had a lobotomy performed without my permission. I’ve half a mind to complain. Nowadays Botox is nothing to be frowned upon. Surveyor…. A survey was done about how drunk people walk home….. Staggering! Sweet Shop…. Archaeologists have just discovered an ancient Egyptian ruler embalmed in chocolate ... apparently it was Pharaoh Rocher.

T. Tailor…… That seems fitting. Are you suited for your job?? Taxi Driver.........Aren’t you supposed to look over your shoulder when you say that. So you make a living driving customers away? Traffic Warden......... I’ve figured a way how to avoid getting parking tickets. I’ve taken the windscreen wipers off my car. Train Driver……Train ran over my foot...my own fault for wearing platforms. Teacher... History.... I used to be a history teacher, but couldn’t see any future in it. Maths.....I’ve failed maths so many times I couldn’t count. Chemistry….. My favourite element is Helium. I can’t speak highly enough about it. Tyre factory……Just started a job at one of those too…Looking forward to many good years ahead…..Will have to tread carefully  though…….

U. Undertaker............Do you suffer from Coffin fits?? Do Undertaker’s face stiff competition? A bit of a dead end job that. Actually I may need you tonight as I think I’m dying.

V. Vet...........Took my horse to the vet....He's in stable condition.... Last year I bought my wife a toy poodle, but she accidently killed it trying to put the batteries in. Which meant her other present wouldn’t work then. There’s only one thing that separates man from animals ....Fences.

W. Waiter/ess........Serves you right… I went into restaurant just round the corner here last night, and I’m not saying the portions where small, but when the waiter said "and how did you find the steak sir" I said "well I just moved this slice of tomato and there it was"  Writer…..That’s novel….. Wrought Iron Worker……I'm giving away a free gate. Honestly, there's no catch.

Z. Zoo........I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn’t up to it.

That’s all for now folks….. Thank you to all who have contributed. Enjoy………………

www.paulrobertsmagic.com